“The first hike up almost killed me. Day one is invariably the worst. Of course, it doesn’t help that most trails in the White Mountains were designed by alpine athletes seeking revenge on regular humans. There’s no other explanation for the lack of switchbacks, the prominence of rock staircases, and the evident principle that a trail should reach its destination as fast as possible: even if that means shooting up three vertical miles of granite and roots.”—Miles Howard | Exile to Lonesome Lake Hut | the Boston Phoenix (via 3rdcoastfieldnotes)
“Allow me to let go of the restraints and get out of my own way. I am as free as I will let myself be, and I could really use a gentle reminder (and perhaps a flick on the ass!)”—Day 3 of my 21 day cleanse.
“I am capable, confident, intelligent, resilient and in charge. Health and happiness are my birthrights and I accept with gratitude.”—(Day 1 of my 21 day cleanse, affirmation) Bring on the green juice :)
But do not ask the price I pay, I must live with my quiet rage, Tame the ghosts in my head, That run wild and wish me dead. Should you shake my ash to the wind Lord, forget all of my sins Oh, let me die where I lie Neath the curse of my lover’s eyes.
I just want to take a moment to say how amazingly proud I am of my generation for bringing back local, sustainable, organic food systems.
I just went to my campus garden meeting, and we had a couple come and talk to us about urban gardening in St. Pete and answer our questions, and we are going to be involved in the local co-op market, both harvesting for and some of us are buying from. I literally walked away from the meeting with a smile from ear to ear just thinking about how amazing it is that in a densely populated area like St. Petersburg we can have a local market co-op with fresh veggies delivered to you for a very small fee! It makes me feel like the world really is changing for the better, and getting into local food systems really is so important and relevant!
“Mountains are the bones of the earth, their highest peaks are invariably those parts of its anatomy which in the plains lie buried under five and twenty thousand feet of solid thickness of superincumbent soil, and which spring up in the mountain ranges in vast pyramids or wedges, flinging their garment of earth away from them on each side.”—Josh Ruskin (via lutrosis)
“For just one chance to find
Love with someone that you loved to find
For just the sense to try
To walk ahead and leave the pain behind
If the days aren’t easy and the nights are rough
When they ask you what you’re thinking of
Say love, say for me love”—The Avett Brothers “Living of Love”
Not really a question but nice to hear you are doing better. Always look forward to your hiking stuff.
Thanks! I’m back in Florida at school for this last semester, so sorry there has been a lack of hiking stuff. Florida is too damn flat. I’ve wanted to take photos but its so damn humid here that I can’t keep my camera lens from fogging up. As soon as it cools down a bit I’ll take some cool pictures. And in January I’m moving to New Mexico and then Colorado…so there will be plenty more hiking stuff to come! <3
I’m not sure who is still checking this..since I’ve sort of lacked posting any personal statements lately. So I figured I’d throw one in here if any of you are still following me for updates on my health.
I am back at school finally! Hooray! Life feels normal again! It’s crazy to think a year has already passed since all of this began. I still had long hair at this point last year (and man do I miss it. I still get jealous sometimes when I see someone with really long beautiful hair). But for the most part I am feeling a trillion times better and life could not be any better. And everyone tells me my short hair is super cute, so I guess I pull it off okay.
I’ve had a few check-ups since chemo ended, and the two CTs that I’ve had have shown nothing, and my CA125 is super low as well. I successfully stopped eating meat and cheese at this point (occasionally I cheat and have a little cheese, but not on a regular basis). I firmly believe that this will help me tremendously in making sure it does not come back. I get check ups every three months, and soon to be every six months.
So this was much longer then I intended it to be, just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing awesome! It feels amazing to be back at school finishing my degree, and soon I will be moving to Colorado to become a full time ski bum! (while I look for other jobs of course.) I love you all, thanks for all the support I couldn’t have done it without you. <3
Today is September 10th. In the book I’m reading right now its the main character’s birthday, which is September 10th. I went to bed last night (finally put the book down) when she went to bed on September 9th. The next chapter begins on the 10th. I just realized this, this morning. I found that really super strange. Just thought I’d share.
Receptionist:Don't you feel like your generation is just lazy?
Me:Lazy? I'd say apathetic.
Receptionist:Isn't it the same?
Me:No. My generation is criticized and toiled with, and I don't see why not - just turn on the TV and watch what they're feeding us. But my generation is not lazy. My generation fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. My generation fought for womens rights in a fury that hadn't been seen since the 19th Amendment. My generation got our first black President elected. My generation fought for Gay rights for the first time in American history. And with all that, we are apathetic, and that's because things aren't going to be better for us down the road. We are the first generation expected to make less than our parents. We are the first generation to see America lost its status as a super power. We've lived through the worst economic times since the Great Depression, and are forced to take out thousands of dollars in student loans at the same time, all while our college degrees slowly turn into a highschool diploma. We've done plenty, and expect nothing. So no, I wouldn't say we're lazy, just apathetic.
“Guess what happened? You grew. Your comfort zone has expanded. Stretch your arms, wiggle your fingers, feel the new space you’ve created for yourself. Sometimes when we grow, it takes awhile for us (and others) to catch on. Praise the progress you’ve made. I know you’ve taken a massive leap recently. And I just wanted to take a moment to celebrate your brave dance moves. How do I know this? Because I too have grown, and we are the same.”— Kris Carr
“Music has always been a matter of Energy to me, a question of Fuel. Sentimental people call it Inspiration, but what they really mean is Fuel. I have always needed Fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.”—Hunter S. Thompson
The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed.There was a loophole in my dreaming, so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open. Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets. But everything seemed different and completely new to me. The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body. And each person I encountered, I couldn’t wait to meet.
I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said “I am terribly sorry but there is nothing I can do for you, you can’t do for yourself.” He said “Oh yes you can. Just take my hand. I think that would help.” So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, “I think I’m cured. No, in fact, I’m sure. Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile.”
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don’t help and you can’t compose yourself. It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I’m singing… Baby don’t worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying, I’m gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can’t, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black.
And we’ll keep working on the problem we know we’ll never solve Of Love’s uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole. But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall. Then I think we would see the beauty. Then we would stand staring in awe
at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.
I wish I lived somewhere secluded, with miles and miles of endless lush meadows filled with beautiful flowers, a rocky mountain with a gushing, burbling river running down it’s side, leading to a cool, sprinkling lake. I want to wake up to the sound of cow bells, the smell of an apple pie fresh out of the oven. In this world, it would be spring all year round. The trees would always be flowering. The cool morning air would smell fresh and my only companion would be the cat.
Some people seriously lack intelligence. I’ll quote my favorite cancer gal Kris Carr for this one,
"Dear friends and acquaintances,
Don’t try to bond with me by telling me you know someone with cancer, too, and they just died. It won’t bring us close.
When I shared this tidbit with my mom, she told me she hears this as well- and its always painful. What are these people thinking? Were they raised in a barn? Hello, earth to healthy obtuse person. In case you didn’t know, death is a touchy topic to both cancer patients and their families. Major faux pas!”
I mean seriously people. I know you don’t mean anything by it, but did you ever think about how it makes me feel? I don’t want to hear about anyone who died from cancer, or how deadly you heard my type of cancer is. I mean really? Think before you speak.
I downloaded this awesome app on my phone called headspace. It’s a meditation app that guides you through your meditation. It’s so helpful. I hadn’t meditated in a little while and I just took ten minutes to relax and clear my mind. It feels so nice to just let your body and mind relax and be nowhere for a few minutes. To just let go of all emotions and feelings, and just be. No worrying, no fears, just clear empty space. It definitely reminded me that I need to continue my meditation practice, I am going to vow to myself to start meditating every day again. I urge anyone who is reading this to do the same, or at least try it if you never have. If you have an iphone download the app. It helps alot when you’re just starting. :)
“May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. May your rivers flow without end, meandering through pastoral valleys tinkling with bells, past temples and castles and poets towers into a dark primeval forest where tigers belch and monkeys howl, through miasmal and mysterious swamps and down into a desert of red rock, blue mesas, domes and pinnacles and grottos of endless stone, and down again into a deep vast ancient unknown chasm where bars of sunlight blaze on profiled cliffs, where deer walk across the white sand beaches, where storms come and go as lightning clangs upon the high crags, where something strange and more beautiful and more full of wonder than your deepest dreams waits for you — beyond that next turning of the canyon walls.”—Edward Abbey (via peroculi)